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What is the experience of suffering from bulimia?

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What is the experience of suffering from bulimia?
What is the experience of suffering from bulimia?

“If it hadn’t happened to me, I would never believe that anyone would get this disease.” The person who said this was Xiao K, a bulimia patient. At this moment, in front of her is a table of high-calorie foods such as various cakes, bread, noodles, meats, etc., which have just been placed, which is enough for 5-6 girls, and these foods will enter this scrawny girl in a while. Stomach. Someone must ask, how is it possible to be skinny after eating like this? Because those things will be vomited out by her before they are digested.

Yes, you may have guessed it. I am talking about binge eating disorder, the scientific name “eating disorder”. Many people simply can’t understand why someone has bulimia. They eat when they are hungry and stop eating when they are full! But for bulimia patients, “eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full” is too difficult. For them, there are only two states of uncomfortable support and uncomfortable hungry, because they don’t know when to eat. , How much to eat. Most people with bulimia especially want to eat at night. As soon as the idea of ​​eating comes out, they can’t control themselves and want to eat right away. They can’t even wait for the time to buy something. Prepare the food quickly, and then “eat a lot”.

“These are all I want to eat alone, so you can see the big stomach king in real life, haha.” She sat in front of the pile of food. With that said, she picked up a piece of butter bread the size of a 500ml water cup, with a layer of skin on the outside and the kind of cream on the inside. Three bites, really three bites. She ate it without chewing the skin. It was accurate. Said it should be stuffed in. How to describe it? I can’t feel her enjoyment when she eats food, she just fills her mouth with a ball of things and swallows it.

In a blink of an eye, two more bread was swallowed in, and it was really unsightly. “Why do you have to eat so urgently?” I asked her. “I don’t know, I just want to eat quickly and don’t want to let my mouth idle.” She replied.

After a while, half of the food on the table was wiped out by her. At this time, she felt a little braced, but she still stuffed her mouth mechanically. She cried, and she said, “Who can believe it looks like this? A normal person is actually a waste who can’t even eat food.” She cried very sadly, but her mouth was not idle, and she stopped talking as if talking was delaying her eating. The way she eats noodles is even more amazing, like a homeless man who hasn’t eaten for many days. A large bowl of noodles is sucked into the stomach within a few mouthfuls. It really doesn’t look like a girl eating.

It only took her an hour to finish eating the food at this table. “I am very uncomfortable now.” As she said, she swallowed the last bite of this “big meal”. She looked at me and smiled, then got up and went to the bathroom. Then I heard the sound of vomiting. After vomiting and cleaning up, she took a bath and changed her clothes. Then she sat next to me and said weakly, “Finally It’s over.” From the beginning of eating to spitting out, a series of operations went smoothly. It is not difficult to see that she has done this process many times.

“I’m tired~ I don’t want to eat at all. I have nothing else in my life except eating. I just deal with work. I go to the supermarket to buy food after work, eat after I come back, and vomiting after eating, just like that. I think I’m like a pile of shit, dirty and disgusting when people see it, but I just can’t stop…” she cried and said, “I have insomnia all night and all night. , I want to commit suicide again and again, but at dawn, I will still go to work, but I can’t do anything well. From sitting in the office, I want to buy something to eat after work. I don’t have a deposit and I pay for all my salary. I bought “good food”, it’s ridiculous, I think it is ridiculous.”

“When did it start?” I asked. “Two years ago, when I was in college.” She hesitated, and then said, “I lose weight because of a diet.” “Weight loss?” “Yes, I was super self-disciplined at that time and ate very little at every meal. I don’t even eat. I go to the playground to run four or five laps every night. I lost more than a dozen pounds in just over a month. After I lost weight, I really looked a lot better. My classmates often praised me so much that I didn’t even dare Eat more and weigh every day. The numbers on the scale affect every nerve in me. If I find that my weight is getting heavier, even one or two, I can skip a bite the next day. It’s absurd to think about it now. , But at that time I was enjoying it.” She smiled bitterly.

“Why are you overeating?” I asked. “I was having dinner with my friends one night, and I really wanted to eat the cake on the table. I just wanted to taste it, but it was really delicious, so I thought, anyway, I ate it. Eat well, I won’t eat it tomorrow. After this decision, I ate a lot of high-calorie foods that I usually don’t dare to eat. However, after this meal, I was not satisfied but wanted to eat sweets even more. I went back. On the way, I bought burgers, bread, cakes…I ate everything as soon as I got home. I ate it at one o’clock in the morning and felt very uncomfortable after eating. I felt my stomach exploded, so I ran to the bathroom. I vomited up everything I just ate. This is the first time I vomit. After vomiting, I seem to have discovered New World, “This way I can eat everything I want without gaining weight, but it’s really amazing. That’s great.’ He said with joy. From then on, the nightmare began, from once a week to vomit once a day, or even twice a day.”

Her voice became very hoarse, her skin became particularly bad, and her face was puffy. Without makeup, she looked much older than her actual age.

“Whenever I have the idea of ​​eating, I’m full of eating, and I’m very impatient. I want to eat it right away. I can’t do anything else.” She told me, “When I’m overeating, I’m afraid of being caught. Others found that I kept myself in the house to eat at home. But every time I eat, I feel like crying. Even though my stomach is uncomfortable, I can no longer taste the taste of the food, and I still can’t control it and continue to eat. Stuffing things is like a pig eating pig food. It is even more uncomfortable after vomiting. My throat and stomach hurt. Looking at the pile of vomit that is more disgusting than shit, I asked myself over and over again: “I How did it become like this? “Every night, I want to jump off the windowsill countless times, but when I think of my family, I feel sorry for them, so I can only self-harm. I will scratch my arms with a knife, pinch my legs and arms with my nails until bleeding, but I don’t feel any pain.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I looked at her and said. She raised her head, looked at me, and said, “My body has a problem. I used to have a lot of hair, but now it’s almost bald. My aunt hasn’t come for a long time, and my stomach hurts often. I want to end this nightmare, I want you to control me when I want to eat, can you help me, please~”

“It is good.”

As the other me in the body, Xiao K asked me for help. She couldn’t find anyone else, and she didn’t dare to look for it. She was afraid that others would discover her existence as if she was a shame.

It has been half a year since I decided to quit binge eating, but over the past six months, binge eating has been repeated and I still can’t stop. I can feel Xiao K’s feelings, but I can’t control her at all. No, I can’t control myself at all. I don’t want to admit that this is me, but I have no way to deny that this is me.

I wanted to ask the outside world for help, but when I finally got the courage to tell my best friend, her response to me was “You are just greedy, don’t think too much”, and my last hope follows her. The understanding is shattered.

Now, I’m holding myself tightly in the cold darkness, and nightmares still torment me again, and again, what should I do? what should I do……

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